Flummoxed by Flatware?

Dear Alex,
I just inherited some beautiful silver serving spoons from my uncles.  They are about 8 inches long, beautifully pierced and have a heavy weight.  I think I have fallen in love.  Do you know where I can find information on their patterns, their makers and their usage?

Thanks.
Flatware Virgin

Dear Flatware Virgin,

Alex knows first hand the joys of a perfectly balanced piece in the hand.  Of flatware, of course…

Once you feel that beguiling rush of craftsmanship, heft, value, design and function tightly molded into a stiff package like a Beckham underwear ad…there is no turning back. Man the tarnish cloth!  Here are some tips to get you from virgin to collector in no time:

First, let’s assume for simplicity that you are dealing with American sterling silver or silverplate.  Like men, many countries make their own silver flatware, so it can become confusing when you are trying to find the maker/company by looking at the hallmark (the stamp on the back of your spoon) and you don’t know the nationality…so for now, these are red-blooded, All-American spoons.  Turn them over (gently, but with anticipation) and admire the stamp/hallmark on the back of the spoon.

Here is an example from my own collection:

The hallmark consists of a lion, anchor and G, followed by the word STERLING.

The first book that will help you equate the mark to the maker is the Encyclopedia of American Silver Manufacturers by Dorothy T. Rainwater.  Match the hallmark to one in the book.  My mark is the American firm Gorham’s mark.  Many sterling silver pieces have the word “sterling” stamped on them–likewise many plate pieces have “plate” or “ep” [electroplate] or “epns” stamped on the back.  But many do not, so it’s best to do your due diligence to uncover whether the piece is silver or silverplate.  You will need to know this for your next phase.

Once you have discovered the maker [in our example, GORHAM], you can then proceed to identify the pattern.  Here are two indispensable books that will assist you:

Sterling Flatware: An Identification and Value Guide by Tere Hagan

Silverplated Flatware: An Identification and Value Guide by Tere Hagan

These invaluable references have line drawings of all the patterns from 19th century to the present.  Go to your maker/company–e.g. Gorham, then slowly work your way through the drawings until you spot your pattern.

Another great online resource is Replacements.  You can find your maker and search through the pictures in the picture gallery of each pattern (this works for china and crystal too!)

There is palpable tension and excitement in this process.  Enjoy it.  Savor it.  Let the pattern consume you, and you it.  Did you find it?  Huh?  Did you?  Did…you…find IT?

Hold those 8 inches, and allow yourself to relax.  As per our example, you now know the manufacturer is GORHAM SILVER CO., the pattern is HANOVER and it was first released in 1895.

If your spoon is a basic shape (tablespoon, for example), you’re done.  However, if your spoon is a more exotic shape…what did they use those 8 inches of fun for?

Look no further than Sterling Silver Flatware for Dining Elegance by Richard Osterberg.  Mr. Osterberg takes you on a visual flatware safari explaining everything from bouillon spoons to strawberry forks to saratoga chip and bon bon servers.  And there are lots and lots of photos!  WITH CHINA PLACE SETTINGS!  AND MEASUREMENTS!

Do you feel light-headed?  Are you swooning with anticipation?  Randy for ramekin forks?  Frisky for fish knives?  Aching to run your fingers over a sardine tong?  Horny for horseradish spoons?  Are you f*ckn hot for a chocolate muddler?

Skip that cold shower.  Live your passion!  And let us know how you make out!

My Worst Experience on Ebay Ever! — continued

All quiet on the ebay front for one day.

The following day, the voice of reason appears in the guise of “my husband.”

This is concerning the cups. I had a talk with my husband tonight. He has read what is going on. The package is due to get here tomorrow. My husband has said that if the cups aren’t broken when they get here, to take a picture of them and send that to you. Then if your still interested, all you will have to do is pay shipping and insurance to get them. That however all depends on what happens tomorrow.

We must congratulate “my husband” for a brilliant, diplomatic maneuver.  I hope he works for the State Department.  He has obviously has had years of training in the trenches…

“My husband,” realizing that the cups are probably, as I said, broken, has allowed his wife to save face (“you’re right, honey.  He’s a jerk.  How dare he question you putting 3″ wide mugs in a 3″ wide box!  We’ll show him.  You just send him a picture.  That’ll get him.”), yet subtly acknowledging the fact that indeed, in all likely-hood, a sane person would know the difference between the little charming tinkle sound of popcorn moving in a cup to the sloshing, grating, crashing sound of broken pottery.

And now, gentle readers, the fateful ARRIVAL OF THE BOX!

The set of cups arrived today. Unfortunately one of them was completely smashed. The other one only had a broken handle which we will be fixing. It broken in 3 places, the cup itself in ok. I am very sorry for this happening and come Monday I will reimburse your money. If the other cup interests you please let me know and I can work something out with you on it. Otherwise after Monday you won’t receive anymore emails from me. Again I am sorry for this.

Eating Crow…?

We debated how to respond to this…obviously the wife does not like to receive emails, since she forbade me to email her and has projected her own loathing of the ubiquitous email with her, “you won’t receive any more emails from me,” as if I too, shared her dislike of the poor email.

Naturally we would like to give her a comeuppance, however it seems “my husband” has already taken care of that.  And she apologized.

We feel sorry for this woman; her fury at life swirling around the “impeccable packaging” of two mugs, purchased for $5.50, that a stranger dared to question.  Perhaps her existence, like her packaging, is perfect on the outside but shattered on the inside?

And so, we decided to keep things short and simple:

No thank you.  The refund will suffice.

My Worst Ebay Experience EVER!

Happening as we speak.  I knew there were crazy people out there, but this is getting really scary.

I’ve been a member of ebay for 10 years with 100% positive feedback.  And to be fair, the seller ALSO has 100% positive feedback, which is why this is so bizarre.

The purchase:

Two 5″ Mugs bought for $5.50 with a shipping/handling total of $12.25.  Very reasonable.

I was thrilled, because these are hard to find and I have a set and two are broken.  So imagine my ecstatic state when I sniped these, won them, and awaited their arrival to take their place amongst their long lost bretheren.

The seller shipped very quickly.  A good sign.  Anticipation mounting.  The postman arrives on Wednesday morning and I barrel to the door with glee.  This is my postman who comes in the mornings and delivers packages.  I open the door, eyes wide (I have already made room for the additions and am debating…should I really throw out the others…?) and he looks at me with a sad, douleful face.

The box he is holding is a standard priority USPS mail box, about 16×12x3.  He shakes the box.  The horrible sound of broken shards travelling up and down the box reaches my ears.  He says, “this is glass, right?”  Another awful tilt back and forth.  I’m in shock.  I nod.  He says, “it’s broken.”  I wither.  He tilts the box back and forth again.  “You should just not accept delivery,” he says.  I take the box and perform the tilt.  No question–the weight of the broken ceramic travels up and down, back and forth…  My dreams have turned to shards.  I hand it back and he whisks it away so I don’t have to bear witness any longer…

Now, the fury begins…the mugs are 5″ tall and 3″ wide…were it me, I would have packed them in a box wider than 3″ and wrapped them in bubble wrap and completely surrounded them with popcorn.  MYYYY MUUUUGGGGGSSSSS that I have waited years to appear on ebay…

I rush to the computer and send this:

The box arrived this morning and was not properly packed. Everything was smashed. I refused the shipment and it is being returned to you. Please credit my account. I am very upset about this as they were part of a set and I would have gladly paid more for proper packaging.

Yes, a tad emotional, but still professional, given the circumstances, I think.

The answer:

As soon as it arrives and I see what has happened since I had it properly packaed. I don’t know how that happened since this is a first. And I sent it out priority mail so you would have it fast.

A reasonable response which calms me down.  I then respond:

OK. I didn’t even open the box, which showed no signs of damage. I would say the box was way too small for the mugs. They should have been wrapped in bubble wrap and placed in a larger box with popcorn to keep from moving and away from the sides. It looks like pressure on the box just crushed them. I’m only upset because these are very, very, very rare and hard to find, so I was particularly looking forward to their arrival.

OK.  Still upset about the loss, but explaining the emotion.  As I was writing this however, I received another email:

Question for you, how would you know that the package was not properly packed if you rrefused the package? And how do you know everything inside was smashed if you refused the package? Please explain that?

The gauntlet has been picked up.  Have I not ears?

Ummm, how about rattling, broken, ceramic when you shake the box? It was so obvious, the postman asked me if I didn’t want accept as he shook the box.

And now, the beginning of the not so subtle twist!

Ok, if you didn’;t open the box, what you heard rattling around inside was poopcorn. So you basically sent me back something that wasn’t even bad? Yes, both cups were wrapped in bubble wrap and fitted in the box with no problem. I had popcorn both in the bottom, in between and on top. The box wasn’t damaged or anything? You should have at least opened the box to look before judging. You are sending back perfectly good cups. So now what do you want to do? Pay for it to be shipped to you again?

So now it’s MY fault?!  Amazing!

The rattling was not popcorn. But if the cups are fine, I will happily pay to ship the cups again with insurance, priority.

And now the twist of the dagger…

I tell you what, on the 25 when the money clears my paypal account I will refund your money and I will keep the cups since you don’t seem to have a clue. You could have at least opened the box to see what was up instead of assuming that the stuff was broken. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with someone who doesn’t have a clue. Sorry, you lost out this time.

So now I’m being PUNISHED!  Remember, this is a $12.25 transaction!  Before I could even think of responding, I receive another:

Incsase you didn’t know, it’s possible for the popcorn to rattle in the cups. I know because I heard it when I had it packaged. You should have just checked when you had the package. Sorry, the cups will stay with me. And please no more emails.

Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya!  I’m now in more of a state of shock as to the exchange than the broken mugs.  I do not respond, as per my “instructions,” and try to forget about it.

Today, Friday, I receive this unbelievable missive:

This is concerning the set of cups. Because of you refusing the package, it’s still in Bethpage, NY. It’s been returning there since you refused it. I am going to make one thing clear now, if I have to pay extra for it coming back here, that will be money that doesn’t go back to you. And since this package keeps going back to Bethpage, NY, something is bound to happen to it. Yes, I’m upset that you pulled this. I have been watching this package ever since your message to me. So I hope nothing gets damaged while it’s coming here, if it ever finally reaches here. Just letting you know now.

FOR $12.25!!!!!!  So now, when the mugs arrive in shards, in which state they already are, it will be because I SENT THEM BACK!  We are clearly in the land of the deranged.  Keep the 12 bucks, baby.  You need it for a shrink more than I.

To be continued…

Best Ways to Meet Relationship Material in New York City: Link Depth

It’s all about link depth. The greater your network link depth, the greater your chances of meeting the guy or gal of your dreams.

“Where are all ‘the good people?” If there was a whine bottled in New York, this would be the label.

“The good people:” def. not jerks, assholes, gold-diggers, freaks, ripoff artists, losers, trust-fund brats, skanks, slackers, man-whores, sluts — i.e. everyone you meet and date.

Gay, Straight, Bi — it doesn’t matter. Most people who form relationships meet through friends of acquaintances of friends of acquaintances of…well, you get the idea.

New York, despite it’s dense population, is a notoriously difficult place to get to ‘the Honey Bunnies,’ because they are never (or rarely) at the bar, gym, or cafe when YOU’RE there. They tend not to follow regular hive rules.

The fastest, easiest, and cheapest way to increase your link depth is to volunteer. New York City has hundreds of not-for-profit organizations that need your help. And can help you.

However, do not plan to meet the ‘Honey’ of your dreams at said organization. This is only the first step. You will be working for a good cause and you will be meeting people outside of your current network. Once you get to know your co-volunteers and they get to know how wonderful you are –a real honey — drop the bomb. Yes, lower the eyes, tilt the head at that slight angle showing restraint and modesty, and simply say, “I’m single.”

No true New Yorker will let those words lay fallow and unpunished. New Yentas are best of breed. They will rush to their address books, filter ’single’ and voila (after all, YOU’RE a catch–you volunteer with them.) Let them set something up — coffee, drinks, a party, whatever. Your network is expanding and the larger the link depth, the greater the possibilities you will meet that ‘honey.’ Snatch him/her up immediately — sweetness is a cherished commodity in this city. And once you’re a couple, don’t forget to help a fellow New Yorker in need.

Some places to start:

Volunteer NYC

New York Cares

New York City Parks

Volunteer Match

Cat Got Your Cough

Dear Alex: My cat seems to cough a lot and at first I thought it was hairballs but now I’m not so sure. I’d take her to the vet, but they’re so expensive and I’m a grad student! Any idea what’s wrong with her?

Cat Cough Katy

Dear CCK,

Your poor baby may be suffering from feline asthma. Unfortunately, you MUST take her to the vet and get her checked out. This is a serious disease. I have some personal experience with this, as my cat has feline asthma. Luckily, his is not too severe and is controlled by a small dose of methylprednisolone every other day. But it is horrible when he starts to cough. An excellent site on the subject is Fritz the Brave.

Please take your cat in for a check-up as soon as possible. This can be life threatening. Perhaps there is a clinic near you that will charge lower rates. Good Luck.

The Middle Name

Dear Alex,

What does the “G” stand for in “Alexander G DeWitt?”

Concerned Reader Addressing Formal Invitation

Dear CRAFI,

Grizzly. Thank you for asking.

Buying a House With Friends and Other Strangers

Dear Alex: Me and my friend (not romantically involved) want to buy a house together, fix it up and rent most of it out. My father says never to do business with friends, but I don’t know how else I could afford to buy something. Any advice?

Gotta Invest

Dear GI,

Buying and renovating a property is a huge undertaking — it tests the mettle of any relationship; friend, family, partner, or spouse. I know so many stories that have ended in disaster from lack of forward planning.

My advice — treat it as a business transaction with a stranger. And plan ahead if the partnership were to break up.

If you and your friend are truly serious, meet with a lawyer and discuss responsibilities and all scenarios: Are you both managing the renovation and management of the property equally? If not, how should you split the income? What happens if one of you gets married and moves? Or dies? What is the buyout clause if you call it quits? What happens when the contractor disappears? What happens when the renters don’t pay?

Basically, it’s like planning your will, pre-nup, and divorce, before you even start. If your friend says, “Oh, we don’t have to do that. We’re friends.” Walk away. You’ll have another opportunity.

Gay But No Green Thumb

Dear Alex: Your orchids are gorgeous! Why does every orchid I get always die? I’m even gay, which I thought was supposed to mean I have a genetic “green thumb.” Help!

Love’em but Kill’em

Dear LbK,

There is no genetic gay green thumb. It is a myth perpetuated by anyone who can’t arrange flowers (i.e. most of the population). Don’t despair. Here’s a quick guide to get you up and running. Orchids, like all living things, have certain needs. You just have to fulfill them.

The first is light. You must have light. Even the orchid group I would suggest for beginners, the phalaenopsis (moth orchid pictured above) needs light. Not as much as some others, but you can’t put them in the middle of the living room with the curtains drawn and expect them to flourish. An east window is perfect, south may even get too hot in the summer and mine do fine in the west (though I do check them on hot days in summer and may bring the shade down if it’s too hot.)

These incredible plants are used to living in trees and not in soil. They receive moisture from the rain and the air. To duplicate this indoors, the orchid is planted in a “medium” rather than soil — I recommend Aussie Gold Orchid Mix which does not disintegrate and needs to be replaced less frequently than some other mixes (so less work). I also add some New Zealand Sphagnum Moss to the mix and the top of the pot to keep it from drying out too much.

Most orchids fail because of watering. This is actually easier than you think. I water my phal once per week. That is all. Once per week. They like to dry out. And how do you water? Bring the plant to the sink, run the water till it’s cool but not freezing, and give the orchid a shower with your sprayer. What you are actually doing is washing away all the salts and built-up wastes from the past week, so fill the pot a few times with water and let it drain through. Think of it as giving the orchid a cool rain shower rather than watering.

Next is fertilizer. Since the orchids are not in soil, there are no nutrients. You must supply them. I try to make things easy for myself so that I don’t have to “think” too much, so I go by the “weekly, weakly” adage. I have one of those inexpensive plastic 2 quart pitchers (like for lemonade) and some liquid fertilizer (I use liquid because it dissolves instantly). I fill the pitcher with the same temperature water I am using on the plant and put in 1/4 to 1/2 of a cap-ful of fertilizer. Mix it up. Then pour it over the plant, let it drain completely, and put it back. You’re done for a week.

I also give mine a little spritz with a mist bottle in the morning, while the tea kettle is heating and the computer is booting up.

Orchids do not grow fast, and they have growing seasons. When you purchase one, ask about the blooming cycle. The one pictured above (I call her “The Phebe” after the friend who gave her to me) sends up an inflorescence (the flower spike), blooms, and the flowers last an incredible 6 months! After I cut the spike, she sends up another immediately — she’s always in bloom (just like Phebe).

As the plant matures, it will flower more, but be patient. Orchids take time, but are definitely worth the wait.

My Sister-in-Law the Conniving Bitch

Dear Alex: When I was home for the holidays, I got into a fight with my sister-in-law and told her what I’ve always thought of her, which is that she’s a conniving bitch who stole my brother from the family. This happened just because I made plans with my brother to go out and see our old high-school friends, which is like a tradition for us, and at the last second she decided not to go, which made my brother not want to go either (she was all “pouty” for no good reason.) My mother — even though she hates her, too, of course — is now mad at me and wants me to call and apologize to my sister in law! What should I do?

Like, Sorry for What?

Dear LSFW?,

First of all, unless your brother is both ball-less and brainless, your sister-in-law did not steal him away — he “left” of his own accord and free will. Your family may not like her, and maybe that’s the reason your brother chose her to begin with — subconsciously, he needed a way to “get thee to a nunn’ry!” She is certainly aware of all the animosity focused in her direction from your family, which no doubt contributes to her conniving bitch-hood.

That being said, your brother totally dropped the ball on this one. Your sister-in-law probably never wanted to go to the traditional annual meeting of the high-school friends. Like, how total a yawn is that for someone not involved in the “remember when we snuck out after second period, dropped some acid, and couldn’t stop starring at Fern Ferguson’s nipples cause they were making lassos around her neck?”

Your brother should have stepped up to the plate: “I really enjoy this time with my brother and old friends and it’s our holiday tradition — Hon, if you don’t want to come, why don’t you take a day of beauty at the spa. Do the nails, the hair, get a facial and a massage.”

She would have been much less bitchy with new nails and a perm. And you and your brother would have had a blast with the past. You always get more with honey than with vinegar.

Send her flowers and apologize for being a jerk — your mother knows, even if she is a conniving bitch, better to have some peace in the family. And she is your brother’s wife, for better or for worse. Then have a talk with your brother, discuss how you missed him at the event, and give him some suggestions for conflict resolution in the future.

The Orchids of Alexander G DeWitt

I live on the northwest shore, near the highest point, of a densely populated island, neighboring an estuary that lets out to the turbulent Atlantic. When one lives amidst such mountainous terrain, the greatest pleasures are often viewing the flora and fauna that have adapted to life amidst the clouds.

30-Something Gay Guy Stumbles into MySpace

Dear Alex: I am a 36 year-old gay man. I’ve been out for close to 15 years and have dated a lot of guys but never really had much interest in having a boyfriend or partner. Until now. About six months ago I happened to stumble on a MySpace page of this guy who went to the same law school as me and I fell in love! He’s sooooo hot (all my friends agree) and I’m constantly checking his page for new pix, which he posts pretty often. Here’s the thing: even though I’m totally convinced that he’s “the one” for me, I haven’t written to him yet (I’m also in New York and he’s in San Diego). What should I do?Soon to be Bi-Coastal

Dear S to be B-C,

Ummm, I’ll try to be gentle. Looking at a picture of someone who lives 3,000+ miles away and thinking he’s “the one” is a wonderful fantasy for someone with intimacy issues, like yourself. If you really want to try having a relationship, stick closer to home. Otherwise, write the hunk. Maybe he also has the maturity of a 12 year old, and you can have email sex, phone sex, cam sex, IM sex, and when you two finally meet atop the Empire State Building and the spark is nothing but spunk, at least you had a good time and can wallow in the “you see I tried and I’ll never have a boyfriend, ever, ever, ever” tar pit of doom with your friends. Do send pix!

The Real Deal: Bridge and Relationships

I would be living on Park Avenue with a very tall, dark, and handsome robot assistant who takes dictation and does windows, if I got paid for all the advice I’ve given to others regarding their relationships. I’m writing it down now so everyone can benefit (“my therapist thinks you’re wonderful!,” “you should have been a doctor!”) and the phone will stop ringing.

When you are thinking about investing in a relationship, how do you analyze the strengths and weaknesses?

And what are the strengths and weaknesses? How do you know? What are you supposed to do?

The game of bridge is a handy metaphor for understanding your ability to forge a partnership.

In bridge, for every deal, you do the following in sequence:

EVALUATE YOUR HAND.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR HAND.

LISTEN TO THE INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE ABOUT YOUR PARTNER’S HAND.

ESTIMATE THE POTENTIAL OF BOTH HANDS TOGETHER.

BID IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN MAKE GAME.

PASS IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN’T MAKE GAME.

IF YOU LOSE THE CONTRACT, WAIT FOR THE NEXT DEAL.

IF YOU WIN THE CONTRACT, PLAY.

Don’t know from bridge? Here’s a little intro.

The game of bridge is a good way to practice and sharpen your analytical and conceptual skills so that you can apply these toward creating, developing, and maintaining strong, solid relationships.

Bridge is played with 2 sets of partners — north/south and east/west. They sit across from each other, just like the directions on a compass. The partners may know each other and have played together for years, or they may have just been introduced.

The goal of the game is for you and your partner to “bid” for a “contract” saying you can take so many rounds or tricks. You can name a trump (the special suit which will take all others) or play no-trump. The bidding is based on a minimum of 6 tricks (called a book), so for example, if I bid 1 spade, that would mean that between my parnter and myself, we could take 7 (6 + 1) tricks (7 rounds of each person playing one card) if spades were trump (our special suit that can take all others.)

THE DEAL

The entire deck is dealt; 52 cards. There are no jokers. Each person receives 13 cards. There is no passing or trading in of cards. What you are dealt is what you have to live with. The dealer revolves so that each person has an opportunity to deal. The dealer has the first “bid.”

THE EVALUATION

Each person evaluates their hand. There are simple and increasingly complex ways to evaluate one’s hand. But for our purposes, each player basically takes stock of their strengths and weakness — how many of each suit they have, how many high cards they have, etc. What is important is that they analyze their hands in a similar way. Let’s say they use the point system:

Ace=4 points, King=3 points, Queen=2 points, Jack=1 point, Doubleton (only 2 of a suit)=1 point, Singleton (only 1 of a suit)=2 points, Void (none of a suit)=3 points.

So, each person adds up the points in their hand. They also look to see if they have a long suit (5 or more cards of a suit) which could be trump.

THE AUCTION

Once everyone has evaluated their hands, the auction to bid for a contract begins. The dealer has the first bid. In bridge, you should not open the bidding unless you have at least 13 points in your hand. Since everyone in a relationship has strong and weak points, we will assume that everyone has an opening hand.

There are many, many, many bidding systems. There are exhaustive books on the subject. These “systems” define how well partners communicate with each other in order to see if there is a good fit between their hands. Bridge is all about having a good fit.

Ideally, we would like to bid high enough between us to “make game,” the minimal amount to earn a high score. This is defined as 3 No Trump (we agree to take 9 tricks with no suit as trump), 4 major suit (we agree to take 10 tricks with either spades or hearts as trump), or 5 minor suit (we agree to take 11 tricks with either diamonds or clubs as trump). Since we are discussing relationships, if we don’t feel we can make these contracts between us, then we should pass and wait for the next deal.

THE PLAY

We have bid and won a contract. In bridge, unlike life, only one of the partners actually plays the hand. The cards of one of the partners is put down on the table, for all to see. Obviously, assuming a sense of honesty, no hyperbole, and skill, we should have a pretty good idea of what our partner offers from the bidding — so there should be no major surprises.

Sometimes the hands “play themselves,” because they are so strong together. Sometimes the play is not so obvious, but with some careful thought, we can make the contract. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we just can’t make the contract. If we make a mistake, we can learn from the mistake and not repeat it the next time we play. Sometimes, the deal was just against us.

CONCLUSION

Like relationships, the more you know about your hand (i.e. yourself) and can clearly and honestly communicate this information to your partner, the better able you both are to decide if you can bid for a contract.

The Clunker or the Cadillac?

Dear AlexG: I’m driving a clunker but I don’t want to buy a new car until they’re like super energy efficient. How long will I have to wait?

Low ‘Carb’ Babe

Dear LCB,

I hope you’re young. Very young. Keep driving that clunker, which is probably getting better gas mileage than most new cars (with the exception of the hybrids — but only in city driving). Let’s hope for a “change” on the political horizon and a heavy investment in fuel-cell, ethanol, biodiesel, natural gas, hydrogen, and other technologies. Sure, we would all like to see cars whose thermal byproducts were environmentally friendly, but how about some spankin’ hot design!

Is it just me, or isn’t every “box on wheels” the same in small, medium, large, extra-large and behemoth? Even the futuristic concept cars are boring. What happened to fins, chrome, fenders and grills? Auto design mediocrity is polluting the landscape as much as mediocre fuel efficiency. Let’s put some swank back in the tank.

And while we’re on the subject of transportation, how about transforming our vast web of 19th century train track into maglev bullet trains swooshing one and all from town to town across this great land … Let the car charge in the garage for a while and catch a glide on the Appalachian Eagle or the Park-Beverly Transcontinental Express. Just thinking about the dining car (all that china! the quadruple plate!), the bar car (“L’amour, l’amour — how it does get you down“), and the first class sleeper (does anyone really ever sleep?) makes me want to rush out and buy a ticket.