My Sister-in-Law the Conniving Bitch

Dear Alex: When I was home for the holidays, I got into a fight with my sister-in-law and told her what I’ve always thought of her, which is that she’s a conniving bitch who stole my brother from the family. This happened just because I made plans with my brother to go out and see our old high-school friends, which is like a tradition for us, and at the last second she decided not to go, which made my brother not want to go either (she was all “pouty” for no good reason.) My mother — even though she hates her, too, of course — is now mad at me and wants me to call and apologize to my sister in law! What should I do?

Like, Sorry for What?

Dear LSFW?,

First of all, unless your brother is both ball-less and brainless, your sister-in-law did not steal him away — he “left” of his own accord and free will. Your family may not like her, and maybe that’s the reason your brother chose her to begin with — subconsciously, he needed a way to “get thee to a nunn’ry!” She is certainly aware of all the animosity focused in her direction from your family, which no doubt contributes to her conniving bitch-hood.

That being said, your brother totally dropped the ball on this one. Your sister-in-law probably never wanted to go to the traditional annual meeting of the high-school friends. Like, how total a yawn is that for someone not involved in the “remember when we snuck out after second period, dropped some acid, and couldn’t stop starring at Fern Ferguson’s nipples cause they were making lassos around her neck?”

Your brother should have stepped up to the plate: “I really enjoy this time with my brother and old friends and it’s our holiday tradition — Hon, if you don’t want to come, why don’t you take a day of beauty at the spa. Do the nails, the hair, get a facial and a massage.”

She would have been much less bitchy with new nails and a perm. And you and your brother would have had a blast with the past. You always get more with honey than with vinegar.

Send her flowers and apologize for being a jerk — your mother knows, even if she is a conniving bitch, better to have some peace in the family. And she is your brother’s wife, for better or for worse. Then have a talk with your brother, discuss how you missed him at the event, and give him some suggestions for conflict resolution in the future.

The Real Deal: Bridge and Relationships

I would be living on Park Avenue with a very tall, dark, and handsome robot assistant who takes dictation and does windows, if I got paid for all the advice I’ve given to others regarding their relationships. I’m writing it down now so everyone can benefit (“my therapist thinks you’re wonderful!,” “you should have been a doctor!”) and the phone will stop ringing.

When you are thinking about investing in a relationship, how do you analyze the strengths and weaknesses?

And what are the strengths and weaknesses? How do you know? What are you supposed to do?

The game of bridge is a handy metaphor for understanding your ability to forge a partnership.

In bridge, for every deal, you do the following in sequence:

EVALUATE YOUR HAND.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR HAND.

LISTEN TO THE INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE ABOUT YOUR PARTNER’S HAND.

ESTIMATE THE POTENTIAL OF BOTH HANDS TOGETHER.

BID IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN MAKE GAME.

PASS IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN’T MAKE GAME.

IF YOU LOSE THE CONTRACT, WAIT FOR THE NEXT DEAL.

IF YOU WIN THE CONTRACT, PLAY.

Don’t know from bridge? Here’s a little intro.

The game of bridge is a good way to practice and sharpen your analytical and conceptual skills so that you can apply these toward creating, developing, and maintaining strong, solid relationships.

Bridge is played with 2 sets of partners — north/south and east/west. They sit across from each other, just like the directions on a compass. The partners may know each other and have played together for years, or they may have just been introduced.

The goal of the game is for you and your partner to “bid” for a “contract” saying you can take so many rounds or tricks. You can name a trump (the special suit which will take all others) or play no-trump. The bidding is based on a minimum of 6 tricks (called a book), so for example, if I bid 1 spade, that would mean that between my parnter and myself, we could take 7 (6 + 1) tricks (7 rounds of each person playing one card) if spades were trump (our special suit that can take all others.)

THE DEAL

The entire deck is dealt; 52 cards. There are no jokers. Each person receives 13 cards. There is no passing or trading in of cards. What you are dealt is what you have to live with. The dealer revolves so that each person has an opportunity to deal. The dealer has the first “bid.”

THE EVALUATION

Each person evaluates their hand. There are simple and increasingly complex ways to evaluate one’s hand. But for our purposes, each player basically takes stock of their strengths and weakness — how many of each suit they have, how many high cards they have, etc. What is important is that they analyze their hands in a similar way. Let’s say they use the point system:

Ace=4 points, King=3 points, Queen=2 points, Jack=1 point, Doubleton (only 2 of a suit)=1 point, Singleton (only 1 of a suit)=2 points, Void (none of a suit)=3 points.

So, each person adds up the points in their hand. They also look to see if they have a long suit (5 or more cards of a suit) which could be trump.

THE AUCTION

Once everyone has evaluated their hands, the auction to bid for a contract begins. The dealer has the first bid. In bridge, you should not open the bidding unless you have at least 13 points in your hand. Since everyone in a relationship has strong and weak points, we will assume that everyone has an opening hand.

There are many, many, many bidding systems. There are exhaustive books on the subject. These “systems” define how well partners communicate with each other in order to see if there is a good fit between their hands. Bridge is all about having a good fit.

Ideally, we would like to bid high enough between us to “make game,” the minimal amount to earn a high score. This is defined as 3 No Trump (we agree to take 9 tricks with no suit as trump), 4 major suit (we agree to take 10 tricks with either spades or hearts as trump), or 5 minor suit (we agree to take 11 tricks with either diamonds or clubs as trump). Since we are discussing relationships, if we don’t feel we can make these contracts between us, then we should pass and wait for the next deal.

THE PLAY

We have bid and won a contract. In bridge, unlike life, only one of the partners actually plays the hand. The cards of one of the partners is put down on the table, for all to see. Obviously, assuming a sense of honesty, no hyperbole, and skill, we should have a pretty good idea of what our partner offers from the bidding — so there should be no major surprises.

Sometimes the hands “play themselves,” because they are so strong together. Sometimes the play is not so obvious, but with some careful thought, we can make the contract. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we just can’t make the contract. If we make a mistake, we can learn from the mistake and not repeat it the next time we play. Sometimes, the deal was just against us.

CONCLUSION

Like relationships, the more you know about your hand (i.e. yourself) and can clearly and honestly communicate this information to your partner, the better able you both are to decide if you can bid for a contract.